these days

Parts of a letter (revised and expanded) that I wrote to a dear friend the other day, because sometimes it's a lot easier to write to your friend than to a blog:

I'm finding life a grand adventure these days. Between balancing Lamplighter and planning for a wedding and married life, I have plenty to keep my hands full. But that's a very good thing.

I must admit, though, I am a bit of an idealist, and I used to think getting married would solve all my problems. That as soon as I was in love or married, life would be a bed of roses. Well, maybe not consciously, but I know I'm just catching myself realizing that idealistic vision is not reality. I definitely don't mean this in a bad way. Just in a growing up and learning more the ways of grace sort of way.

So now I'm realizing new life seasons probably means trading one set of challenges for another and learning to trust in even greater ways the One who goes with us. Instead of the challenge of being alone, maybe it's the challenge of "what's it look like to follow the leader in a family"? Even though I am walking beside a man who is the best leader I can imagine--he's gentle and it makes me want to follow his vision and serve behind and beside him--I still have so much to learn!

Sometimes now, when I sniffle through a cold, or when I'm too tired to think of anything interesting to say, I feel like something's wrong. This isn't quite how I imagined myself. It's no disillusionment with my hero man, but rather with myself when I feel imperfect or realize there's a lot of real life to be shared with one another. My real life is definitely not always pretty; in fact, sometimes it comes in midnight tears or traffic stress or problems I don't know how to solve. There's a certain vulnerability and I have to learn to brush past the fears of being known by others. And yet the most joyous thing is that commitment doesn't even bat an eyelash at these things. Commitment, rather, expects them and laughs and welcomes them along for the ride because we really should expect them, after all.

I guess what I'm seeing might just be the realization that maybe--just maybe--I'm given another to share my calling with because I cannot do it alone. That two are better than one precisely because God knows we do fall and need someone to help us up. And it's a beautiful thing, but it's a humbling one too. So God, grant me the grace to walk humbly with my hero-man, not afraid of my own weaknesses but rejoicing in the strength which that promised third cord will bind through our relationship.