I hope you know...

My darling firstborn,

Do you know how much I love you?

I hope you know, because I do such a bad job of showing it sometimes. And when I look around and see people mad at their parents' failings--a generation whose parents tried so hard but still I guess weren't enough-- there's just so much I hope you know when you grow up, so that you know how very hard we tried and how very much we loved you...

I hope you know that at night when you're in bed, I rehearse the day in my mind and often cry over things I wish I'd done better.

I hope you know that even after the hardest days just a couple of minutes away from you makes me start to feel sad about how fast you're growing up.

I hope you know that I'm sorry for every time I've been upset with you and not shown you kindness. For it's not the moment that makes you deserving but the fact that you are made in the image of God and are infinitely precious and loved by Him.

I hope you know how much you make me laugh.

I hope you know that when I ask you to play quietly so I can feed the baby, I feel guilty for not spending more time with you, and when I put her down I feel guilty about not spending more attention on her. This balancing act is hard.

I hope you know that Daddy and are strategizing hard to find ways to make your childhood beautiful.. That we're willing to sacrifice to give you the best opportunities, that we have willingly chosen to give up many things for a time because we love you and want to give you all the time and resources and love and spare moments we can possibly squeeze out of our budget and busy days.

I hope you know how we want you to be smart, and talented, and have vision for your future, and yet don't want to chase those things only, because they're mere shadows of the true beauty found in Christ, and if we miss that we've missed everything, but if you somehow in our failings gain that, you will have ALL you need for life and godliness.

I hope you know that we've failed a thousand times and might fail a thousand times a thousand before we're through, but I hope you know our hearts just ache to be the best we can for you. We don't have all the answers and we don't know how to be perfect, but I hope in all of this you must keep seeing Jesus, who made a way for us broken people to be brought near to the one perfect parent, His Father. We love you!