Well, here we are, on the eve of the day I started labor with my precious baby Ezra.
So much has happened, and so much has changed, in the past year.
I've spent the last month or so grieving the end of our first year together, but I think I'd be wise to move past that and spend some of that energy recollecting all the memories we've made together. This letter is by no means comprehensive, so I suspect I'll be doing more writing in the days ahead.
Dear, precious Ezra,
Happy almost first birthday!
The memories we've made together over this past year have been some of the best of my life. I can hardly believe a mommy as undeserving as I am could be given the great privilege of walking beside you during these formative, tender days.
What a year it's been. We've made so many memories, learned to communicate with each other, seen some scary days of surgery and emergency room visits, and somehow made it out alive!
You have always been a very busy boy. When you were born, I remember one of the nurses joking about how you'd be a soccer player... you were such a strong kicker from the start!
Of course, you were determined to make our lives interesting from the start, as you surprised me minutes before delivery by being breach! And then there was the surgery on both eyes, the other surgery we considered, the trip to the ER for IV fluids, and the broken leg. All before you turned one, you little crazy man! We have been to the doctor so many times this year, and you have kept us on our toes. But we are so grateful to Jesus for preserving and protecting and healing you through it all.
Your nicknames this first year have included huggabugga, hug, bug, little mister, little buddy, Ez,and the latest, "mess maker." :) (Said in only the most affectionate of tones, of course!) I look back on photos of just six or so months ago and boy, was the house cleaner before you became so mobile. One of the funniest things you do right now happens when I take a shower in the morning. I've set up a baby gate between your room and my bathroom, and I leave the door open so I can hear what you're doing in "room time." Well, when I come out, you've thrown a veritable collection of toys over the gate...it's adorable!!
You have been with me for almost everything this first year. From oil changes, to trips to the park, to grocery shopping, to weddings, to kneading bread, to sleeping (or not!) you've been there. And I have found in you a friend that loves me when I cannot love myself, who wants to be with me all the time, and whose baby sense of wonder keeps me smiling and laughing everyday.
You have been someone who I can talk to all day long, too. And my, what conversations we have had. From the serious (Jesus, and his death for you), to the funny (making monkey sounds and jumping around the playground today), we have talked about so much. I really do enjoy talking to you, Ezra. And what a little conversationalist you are. I wish I had a complete list of all the words you say, so I'll try, but I know I'm missing some. Egg, apple, book, Bible, dog, dada, mama, milk, up, ball and more are some of your favorites. :)
Ezra, I love you very much. Some of my sadness about your first year ending has come from feeling like how could I ever do or be enough for you? I remember clearly feeling this way as soon as you were born, too, darling. Since I feel in love with you and your daddy, life always seemed shorter than it ever did before. I suppose when you love so deeply, you're all the more saddened by the thought that we can't spend forever together here. But I'll let you in on some good news, darling, the good news we'll give our every day to make sure you know:
We can spend forever together, dear one. Jesus made a way by His death on the cross. Do you remember how mama whispers that news to you before bed sometimes? We have all sinned and are born into sin, but Christ paid the penalty our sin deserved. He loves us, Ezra, with a love we can never deserve and that mama can never mimic fully. It's this love that motivates us to keep on going when the days and nights grow long, that compels us to read those Bible passages when we're oh so tired and weary, that gives the life to the songs we sing while driving around doing errands. I hope somehow you can see this love in us, sweet boy. And now, happy birthday. What a grand year it's been.
Love always,
Your mama
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